WeSwallowTheSun

with all this

empty [___________]

& every

bR oK

e        N

t

hou g

HT

i wish that i

could thread together

“b-ea-ut-if-ul-s-om-et-hi-ng-s”

but

(every time i try)

they simply

F

A

.

.

L

.

.

.

L

into

aheapofcloudednothings

.

~weswallowthesun

yesterday
i tried to smile
but it didn’t work

after we parted
i guess I just got
pretty out of practice

~weswallowthesun

Fragileandfoolish
Ineptandincited
I find countless
Means
To
Createanddestroy
In a languid
Obsession
So that it rests
Ruined
In a mere
Tangle
Of
Feeble
Material
Combustedcorroded
Deniedandmoresoforgotten
In
Dustanddisgust
When you are
Your own
Oversizedcritic
The
Sourissweet
For only an instant
Soon to decay
From this
Dreadfuldisease
Because it
Never meant
A thing
To me
I cannot reach
What cannot be reached
I cannot do
What cannot
Be undone
And who am I
But to quarrel
With self?
And
Derideandsubside
Derangeandscoff
At all
That I’ve
Sewn
And then
Dump into
Muck and
Rewindandrestart
As if I could
Triumph
In a
Frontieroffailure
But so
As the dawn
I wish
Ever more
To
Startwhati’veended
Andfinishwhati’vestarted

.

~weswallowthesun

I will not cry
You cannot make me shed a tear
My tears are mine
My tears belong
To me

I will not answer
You cannot make me give an answer
My words are mine
My words belong
To me

I am free to breathe
When I dare to breathe
I am free to laugh
When I dare to laugh
I am free to love
When I dare to love
I am free to think
When I dare a thought
I am free to speak
When I dare a word
I am free to be
When I dare to be

I will not be
Intimidated or influenced
Or coerced or controlled
Or puppeted or pressured
Or manipulated or mastered
Or brainwashed or bullied
Or harassed or hounded 

So hold you’re tongue
You’re wasting your breath

.

~weswallowthesun

I am

But a sigh

Morose, feigned

And low in stature

.

Strewn

Amidst the crystal

Crown of Neptune and

All grandeur and

Limitless space;

I cannot hold but

A waxed flicker,

Waning—

My flame would

Wither, so faint

.

I, the wisp

I, the ghost

I, the soul

Looking soft

Through

Ghastly haze

.

If one were to gaze

Ever so keenly

Through lens

And glass

To scrutinize

The globe

Unfolding

Find, they

Would not

.

I, the speck

I, the whisper

I, the sigh

That will not

Ripple through

Caverns void

.

But if by

Chance

An ear

Should notice

The quaver—

Poor and

Dry; my

Frequency

So dull

But

Should give

A flush

Of color

To the cheek

Of one 

Just one

Then I

Would

Smile

And know

I’ve

Lived

.

~weswallowthesun

.

.

. 

“I had a dream last night,” he said.

“Oh?” She smiled.

“Like, it was the first time I’ve dreamt in the longest time.”

“We always dream; we just can’t remember them sometimes.”

“I remembered it but it was different somehow.”

“Tell me.”

“You were in it.”

“Was I pretty?”

“Yes. You were just…perfect.”

She smiled.

“I’m sorry; can I just hold you for a few minutes?”

“What’s going on?” She laughed as he threw his arms around her waist and kissed her neck.

“I just want to remember what it feels like to be with you.”

“You’re kinda freaking me out,” she said looking up at him quizzically.

“It was so real, you know?”

“The dream?”

“Yes,” he paused, “I lost you.”

“I died?”

“Yes, and I had that sinking feeling, you know? Like, my whole body was heavy, and the air was shallow and I felt so… so incredibly small.”

“What do you think it meant?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see you die, but I knew somehow—I knew that you had left me and I felt empty like I was never going to see you smile again or feel your skin on my skin or your lips on my lips or your fingers woven in my fingers or the warmth of your whispers or how you always get really quiet when you’re trying to keep a secret or how I wake up to your humming in the morning while your getting dressed or-”

“-Just stop for a second,” she said as she placed her hand on the scruff of his face. “Just breathe.”

“I cried—I must have been at it all night. When I woke up, the pillowcase was drenched from my tears, and you weren’t there lying beside me. And for a moment I thought my dream had not been a dream at all.”

“Well, I’m still here,” she whispered, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise me you’ll never die in one of my dreams ever again, okay?”

“Okay, I promise,” she smiled as she kissed him on the cheek. 

.

.

.

~weswallowthesun

When I’m alone, I listen to dark green and yellow—sometimes brown and burgundy red with streaks of ebony and tinges of blue when my heart’s a mess from the very thought of you. 

.

.

.

~weswallowthesun

You bewitched me 

With your tinkering 

From across the table 

I knew that we were

Worlds apart 

You wouldn’t dare 

Look into my eyes 

Hiding yours behind

Sandy bangs 

While gazing 

So eloquently 

Into your coffee mug

As if it cupped 

The universe

With 

Cosmic

Swirls of 

Cream and sugar 

Which you spun 

And jangled 

With the tip 

Of your spoon

.

.

.

~weswallowthesun

Your submarine eyes 

Submerged so far 

Within me

You’ve scoured 

The deepening ocean 

Of the leagues of my mind 

And now I am wholly bare

Transparent at the cusp

.

.

.

~weswallowthesun

.

.

.

I replay everything we were

The brief interludes of whimsy

And the escalating decline  

In grainy strips of film

Tiny frames, like projections on a screen

In the theater of my mind

.

[Fast-forward]—A blur of images scroll by swift and silent 

.

[Pause]—you’re standing coyly sustained

With your blouse and lace soaked through

In the glare of head-lights and neon bulbs

I watch suspended raindrops crystallize

‘Rround scarlet ribbons and brass buttons

.

[Play]—I take three steps towards you

.

One 

Two 

Three

.

[Pause]—we’re barely touching

I still sense the heat from your body even now

And your breath like a twilight apparition

Against the fridged satin air

.

[Slow]—the rhythm of your heart  

Winds down to some hypnotic bass line hush

As the flutter of our lashes

Bat harlequin oaths too secret to share

.

[Pause]—our pupils dilated

Intoxicated paralysis

With eyes wide shut

And virgin lips

We tasted bliss

With our first sip

A melted kiss

.

[Rewind]

[Play]

[Slow]

[Pause]

[Rewind]

[Play]

[Slow]

.

[Pause]

.

.

.

~weswallowthesun

.

.

.

If I were a pre-raphaelite cosmonaut 

I’d paint my heart 

On your sleeve 

With the tears 

Of our melancholy moon

.

.

.

~weswallowthesun

I wish I knew that I will never know

Why you are the way you were

I wish I knew that sometimes

I don’t need proof or answers 

Or a certificate of confirmation 

And sometimes I don’t need to question

.

I wish I knew that you can’t change the world

With a song or a kiss or a wave of your hand

That sometimes you can only allow yourself to change

That sometimes hearts cannot be won

With intellect or passion or conviction

But sometimes only through grace and faith alone

Will we ever learn to listen

.

I wish I knew that my arms

Were never meant to hold you

Long before you stole my heart

I wish I knew that I could grow

And that people change and

Hearts can mend

And broken memories can be shared

Without them tearing your soul apart 

.

I wish I knew that the world as it was

Is the world as it is

I wish I knew that all people are so very different

Yet still so very much the same

And that no one will ever know my heart

At first glance or in a million years

Unless I open my mouth and share it

.

I wish I knew that integrity and ethics

Are more important than being impressive

Or well known or avant-garde

I wish I knew that family is more precious

Than individuality or liberation or dreams

That love is more powerful than time

And that love is never what you expect it to be

And sometimes we have had it all along

.

I wish I knew that just because something is old

Doesn’t mean it’s out of date

And just because something is simple

Doesn’t make it any less true 

That it’s okay to make mistakes

And sometimes wisdom doesn’t just come from failure

But from knowing how to respond to it

That if you forget your past

You essentially forget your self

And you’ll never really know who you are

Unless you let go completely

.

That if you don’t take the time to listen

You’ll never realize how wrong you were

And you’ll never figure out that just because

Someone has a different point of view

Doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends

That love isn’t always for everyone

At the times you plan for it to happen

And it’s okay to be alone

For loneliness is not always sad

.

I wish I knew that life isn’t easy

And that sometimes you’ll never find a silver lining

And you’ll just have to learn how to bend with the wind

That real friends will like you for who you are

And not just for the person you’re pretending to be

That people were made to laugh together

That nature is serene

That life is beautiful

That tears are real

And that if you acted on every good thought

You could bring about a world of hope

And that everything can transform in an instant 

.

I wish I knew then what I know now

But now I know that you can’t harbor regret

And at any moment you can begin again

.

~weswallowthesun

They say you have privileged access

To the contents of your brain

Which is weird

Because I know myself

Less than almost…anybody

A cat could probably

Observe me for five minutes

And understand more about me

And why I do what I do

Then I could ever figure out in a lifetime

On my own

[Note: give my cat a quill pen and a legal pad]

.

Sometimes I inadvertently

Allow my friends to dissect me

For what seems like hours

And I just nod with a stupid

Inquisitive brow and nostril flare

But honestly, as I’m nodding, I’m thinking:

You are a wizard

How the cuss… whaa…

I eat broccoli on Tuesdays

Because it boosts my self esteem,

And metabolism?

Didn’t know that…

…Tell me again

How I feel about equestrians

Because, quite frankly,

You just blew my mind…

And as the nodding draws on

I acknowledge with occasional

Grunts and eyebrow raises

As if I’m scrutinizing

But really

I’m just consuming whatever comes

Tumbling out of their mouths

Without a filter  

And begin to catalogue it

So I’ll never forget why

I was crazy enough to

Walk three hundred miles

To your doorstep to tell you, simply:

I’ve wanted you ever since I saw you

So take me as I am

And I’ll hold you till I die

When all you did was laugh.

. 

~weswallowthesun

I want you

Here

Don’t leave me yet

We still have so much

Left to say

Why must I feel

The strongest

For you

The moment we say

Goodbye

?

If I could make

One promise

To you

It would be

That every time

I see you

From now on 

I’ll make sure I say

Adieu.

Instead of just

Hello.

That way

We’ll always be

On best of terms

And I’ll never

Take you

For granted

Ever

Again.

.

~weswallowthesun

I just watched as you ran

And ran with you then

Through the tall grasses and the thicket

I didn’t care where we wandered

As long as we wandered without thought,

Without blinking

Daring—bursting with sugary grace

For the hills were endless then

The wild flowers were more savage 

The water clearer

The taste more pure

Upon my thirsty tongue

As beads of sweat dripped

Off my nose

Peeling from the spirited sun

.

~weswallowthesun 

It was dark

All you could see

Were silhouettes bobbing

Against the roar of an ocean thick

I ran in first

With waves so fridged

A surge of life staggering

Pricked my heart unfettered

In the midnight cauldron sea

Deep black and glistening

With specks of the moon

You stripped off your jeans

On the sand pebbled shore

And jumped in howling

We were mad and unafraid

As we waded in salt battered tides

Laughing and jauntily teasing 

Through teeth chattering   

Until our bodies escaped us

Numbed and tossing

Wrapped in only each other

Feeling light and alive

.

~weswallowthesun 

Smudges of soil

Festooned my face

Masking my freckles

And the scrape still moist

On the tip of my chin

From the barb-wire fence

Papa said I was a titan

And somehow I knew

I could bend the universe

If I tried 

.

~weswallowthesun

No one cared if we were right

Or wrong or “had it together”

Or “were somebody” or “weren’t somebody”

Or laughed too much or not enough

We just lived and ran with infinite air

That could have ruptured lungs

Weightier breath—the sky was deeper then  

.

~weswallowthesun

Through the screened-in porch

I heard mama humming

As she tinkered

On the ivory cracked keys

Of the worn grand piano

Like she used to when life was light

In the small old house on a hill crooked

That smelt of cinnamon and ginger

And coffee brewing and old wood

A tea kettle whistled

As the grandfather clock

Would tick with magnetic measure

In the parlor

.

~weswallowthesun